Something a little more personal

There was a HONY (Humans of New York) post that ran parallel to how I feel: about everyone, about myself, about how I try to stay within the public company of others to feel a bit more alright. The usual caption, a la HONY, read:

"I dealt with people all my life, and now I'm burnt out. I just like to be alone. It's more comfortable."

I haven't even started a legitimate career in public relationships and I'm already, quoting, "burnt out". Needless to say, I'm not entirely burnt out about people in general. I myself, can't feel. If how I felt before was on Volume 100, I'm now on Volume 20. Perfumes and scents are less uplifting and toned down, and foods that tasted familiar now all taste the same, no matter how much spice or sugar or ground pepper I add to the palate. I tell myself it's dehydration: that my body is slowly shutting down due to the lack of life-giving water I restrain myself from taking in, or I've hit an emotionally physiological plateau--something like anhedonia. But, not anhedonia? Even my opinions have taken a toll (really, it's all "who gives a flip").

Maybe I should follow in Klosterman's footsteps and create a SimDiana in SimWhatever doing SimStuff.

Literally the only two things that have lifted my spirits since the "Ode to coffee" post (which was a week ago?) has been Fitz and the Tantrums' "The Walker" playing on the radio and the first two chapters of Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs". Everything else is inevitably un-stimulating, emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually. I get a few gag laughs from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and some YouTube prommies but still, even the charm of Klosterman's ever-satirical parody of life is losing its sparkle with me. I even joined an online gay forum but someone wrongly accused me of being bi-phobic and adding no insult to an injury that didn't occur: a pseudo-intellectual. Okay. Please tell me how you're deducing this from your inferiority/insecurity complex because I don't have the mental power to deal with you I'm leaving this forum okay bye-bye. (To specify: I'm pansexual, so not only am I part of the LGBTQ community,I also am an ally for anti-erasure of asexuals/demisexuals/bisexuals and the transgendered.)

Not even my friend's resemblance to Vincent van Gogh, with my friend having an even number (a full pair!) of ears, could cheer me up.

I'm just retrograding. In a vacuum.
A personality, self-actualizing, synthetic, life vacuum. (The self-actualizing I haven't gotten to yet.)

In part, I do know what's causing it. I miss being close to someone: emotionally. But I refuse to reveal to anyone my past (the ones who haven't grown up with me) because I'm "so over" that stage. I'm beyond it. Which is to say, I'm beyond trusting people with my own feelings and everything in place is now superficially created to satiate my need for protection. Am I self-actualized yet? Nope. (I mean, I sort of always have been???)

Which isn't working.

But I do hope the best for everyone, as I try to sort the ... whatever, I'm in. Have a good Easter.

xoxo